Remembering Vienna

Karim and I won a trip to Vienna for new years. And yes- this is a bit late, but I thought I'd post this anyway. 

Who's weighing you down?

A few days ago I had this heart to heart with one of my colleagues at "work". (It's in quotations because I sort of volunteer there...sort of. It's complicated.)

We were talking about why I sort of go into a panic whenever I have to submit work that I've done. And I told him, that quite frankly, I have self esteem issues. I never feel like my work is good enough.

The next question he asked was "Oh yeah? So when did that start?"

And at first I thought it was a bizarre question and my knee-jerk response was "Well, I've always been this way". But then I remembered that I wasn't. I remember not giving a crap about what people thought of me- and being quite content.

After some thought- I pinpointed the beginning of all my issues to my first semester of school in Egypt. I've previously written about the racism, bullying and communication problems I faced there so I won't get into that again. But it was quite remarkable for me to find out where my insecurities really stemmed from.

 And of course, there have been other instances in my past that I'm sure have affected my self-esteem negatively, but that conversation really highlighted the fact that I never really left that school behind.

In fact I carried it with me. I carried that baggage with me through all these years. All the hurt, insecurities, sadness, pain and anger. It's all been with me, weighing me down and holding me back.

I told my friend that I never really spent the time trying to evaluate what caused me to feel how I feel right now. It's so much easier to watch television or go out, or even sleep. I also think that deep down I knew that tapping into that hurt would release a flood of sadness that would probably keep me in bed for weeks crying my eyes out.

He told me to forgive those that hurt me. To choose to, not feel obligated to. To wish them well even.

He told me that doing so would make me feel so much lighter, almost as though a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

So- here it goes...

To the bullies at school that sent me home crying every-day for a semester. Those that told me my family would go to hell because they weren't all Muslims. The guy that twisted my arm and insulted my mother for being a Filipina. The guy that threatened me with the razor blade in class. To the girl that would insult me in Arabic thinking that I didn't understand.

As hard as this is for me to do- I forgive you. And because this may not be 100% sincere just yet (let's keep it real, yeah?) I will continue working on forgiving you. People make mistakes, just I have done. And I'm going to count all those things as mistakes.

I think to forgive and forget is stupid. And although my friend may have been able to turn a page and create friendships with those that had previously hurt him, I think forgiving is all I can do. I will try to no longer hold hostility in my heart for them- because honestly, it's exhausting.

And I do it for me. Because- their words shouldn't define my self worth.

Filming for TV

I entered a video competition because there was nothing to lose really and so much to gain. The winner got a 12 week intensive film-making course at the New York Film Academy which costs something crazy like 15k a semester.

I didn't win, but one of the TV stations got in touch with a few of the contestants and asked if they could use the videos for national day. I was one of those contacted.

I agreed to the idea of re-shooting the video. However after about 2 weeks of absolutely nothing happening besides me being sent to different entities responsible for handing out film permits- and them telling me it would cost 500 Dirhams or that it would take a week for processing (neither of which sounded good to me), I was getting fed up.

In the end, they threw out my old footage due to quality (understandable), and then used the footage they had in their library. They only re-shot the office segment and a new segment of Kiwi on the beach (that was disorganized as well)...and whilst editing they had wanted to replace the music ( I disagreed) and then get rid of the voice over.

At that point I just got really annoyed. What was left of my video really?  I ended up getting all red in the face and teary eyed, as you do when you're frustrated eh? And after I had a little verbal sparring match with the man in charge, I got to keep the voice over.

I can't say that this has been the most positive of experiences for me, but at the same time- it was a good opportunity, and good opportunities are rare.

Everything is a learning experience.

9 crimes

I have a feeling I've already posted this. But it's a beautiful song so there's no harm re-posting.

What beautiful music this duo created. Sadly I hear they no longer work together.



What are you listening to these days?

I got to see Britney, Incubus, and Paul McCartney.

It was a dream come true seeing Incubus perform. I was the crazy fangirl that was screaming a BANSHEE scream the whole night. I've loved the band since I was 13 and to be finally able to see them- it was amazing!

I only wish that Brandon was more personable with the crowd. I mean, without your fans, you're nothing! It wasn't just him that didn't say much, Britney Spears basically did the whole "What's up *insert whatever city you're in at this moment here*" thing.

I should explain why I got to see these acts!

It was Formula 1 weekend here and Britney Spears, The Cult, Incubus and Sir Paul McCartney (YES~ I saw one of the legendary BEATLES perform!) were all invited to perform.

The only concert I had really been to prior to this was Outlandish- they were good- but it wasn't that big of a show.

But this was such an awesome experience, and I made sure to take it all in because you never know if you'll ever get the chance to see stuff like this again.

The best show by FAR was Paul McCartney's. He's much older than the others that performed but HOLY CRAP does he have more ENERGY!!!

He used pyrotechnics and fireworks in the middle of his show-- come on, who does that? Who gives 3 encores, 6 songs total?! He had the audience sing "All we are saaayiiiing, is give peace a chance" and it was BEAUTIFUL. We also got to sing "Obla di oblla da life goes on brahhhh" and "Na na na na na na naaa nana naa naaaa HEyyy Juuuude"

He was so cute I wanted to cuddle him haha.

I also got to attend a few concerts at Beats On the Beach (Wyclef Jean- I touched his butt when he was crowd surfing!, Fatboy Slim and some K-pop bands) but the sucky thing about these concerts are that they are free and the sleaziest low-life, scum bags attend and perve over girls like they've never seen any before.

Anyway- it was a whirlwind of a week and things are slowing down again. But I think it's a good thing, I need to give my eardrums a break from this assault they've been undergoing~

Desert Safari

SO I was thinking that vlogging could be a cool thing to incorporate onto this blog.

Let me know what you guys think. xx

Improvements.

Things have slightly been looking up for me. I feel more settled, and I can go out and actually bump into people I know. Meeting people has been the hardest thing for me to do!

No job as of yet- but I've been busy and I find that I'm quite content this way. As long as I'm out of the house, doing things that I like to do- then that's fine with me. 

Being an extra in that film was an amazing experience and it helped me get in touch with people in the industry. So every once in a while I get to meet up with them, and we catch up. The other day I met up with a few people from the team and got to tour the studios that they use during live broadcasts! SO cool. Apparently they can build sets in a day or two. Then  I got to see the equipment that they used and had a mini lesson in what it's like to be responsible for sound. Did you know that not only do the speakers and mics get tested, but the sound-man's EARS as well? 

Prior to this, I volunteered at the film festival. I got to see just how much effort is put in to make something like this work. The staff at this event worked all day every day for 10 days straight...insane. OH! I got to walk the red carpet one day which was cool, and gave a celebrity the CREEPIEST smile ever. I don't know why I'm like that...I just go into creep-mode when I'm star-struck.

And besides that, remember that video I made for that competition? I didn't win, but a television station has decided to re-shoot 10 of those videos (mine included) and AIR IT ON TV!!!

What else? OH, I wrote a short film script and applied for funding. I really don't have high-hopes but it made me happy writing it. And I'm proud of it and the fact that I even attempted it. And you never know what could happen unless you try right?

Wish me luck!